02.28.09 
Culture, Observations 5 comments
While driving in Arlington, Virginia the other night I came across a peculiar sign that read: “Speed Hump”. Since I was unfamiliar with this sign I began contemplating the uniqueness of the great Commonwealth of Virginia, the “Mother of Presidents” (it’s the birthplace of eight presidents), and its state constitution having been written by the smartest founder of the United States, Thomas Jefferson. So why would it have such a sign? Then I remembered the state slogan, “Virginia is for lovers”—now, hold the phone… can that really be true with a sign that reads: “Speed Hump”?
Let this be a reminder to you all: Obey all traffic signs.
01.13.09 Culture, Observations 6 comments
- I was the first to tell everyone that AI is Dead in the American Idol Delusion
- I’m much better looking then Ryan Seacrest
- I don’t appeal to pre-teen girls and elderly house wives who swoon and vote for emo-guys
- I would give preference to Simon and allow him to speak, maybe 95% of the entire show; over top of the singing, a running commentary like a sports commentator if you will
- I don’t think any of the contestants are good singers even the ones that have won in past years
- I would improve the show by introducing a large gong, which will be struck quite frequently when the sounds emitting from a contestant’s mouth can no longer be tolerated—zero tolerance policy
- I would improve the show by reintroducing a large cane removing contestants from the stage
- I cut my hair about once a month and never change my hair style so you won’t hear anyone talking about it
- I will likely tell Paula to “suck it up,” “shut it,” or “we don’t care what you think” on a repeated basis
- I don’t wear tight jeans
I expect the job offer soon. Did I miss anything for my resume?
01.06.09 Observations, Politics 4 comments
The EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) has let one brilliant backdoor-trumpet of an idea out. In what can only be described as the rectum-roars of cushion-creepers they have tickled-tush with their proposal to tax the gastronomical-repercussions of bovines (read about it here). Look out, these barking-spider politicians will stop at nothing to blow their trouser-trumpet in order to acquire more money for the government—poofume for pigs, anyone?
I would like to suggest that the EPA use a one-cheek-sneak and impose a tax on some of my friends given to the frequent spreading of their colon-cologne—you know who you are—look out the EPA will be on your ass… err, I mean donkey… err, cow.
01.02.09 Observations, Politics 3 comments
Previously I wrote about John Edwards and his Lego Hair Health Care, but he is not the only one with the Lego hairdo in politics. Rod Blagojevich may actually have Edwards beat: simply because his locks are much more captivating. Every video clip I’ve seen Blagojevich in, his hair is just so enrapturing to me; I can’t help but give it all my attention, ending in me conversing with myself, “What did he say? I don’t know, but his hair…wow!” I have often thought of offering my time and expertise to help Blagojevich maintain such a stellar mane.
I do have one slight beef with Mr. Blagojevich, and I don’t want to split hairs here, but why the constipation faces? Keep it together man.
On a bright note at least politicians can write laws about hair. Take for instance the shining example of California where 29-year old Sabrina Reece was fined for braiding another women’s hair, in what can only be described as a “hair sting.”
I’m currently contemplating my first coffee-table book documenting the fascinating world of politician’s hair styling, which will include suggested policies and laws that would encourage one to let one’s hair down.
11.04.08 Politics 4 comments
Against every fiber in my being I have resisted putting my name in-the-hat for President of the United States of America, but the people have demanded…and demanded…and demanded. Who am I to resist the will of the people? So to make this thing official I have, in a last minute campaign push, decided to put together the top ten reasons I should be president. It should be quite obvious how I differ on the issues from all the other major and even minor candidates.
- My answer to ‘Global Warming’ is: reduce your carbon output—stop talking!
- My answer to the ‘financial crisis’ and ‘global warming’: plant some money-trees…the trees that are just so good everyone says, “those are money.”
- My energy policies will seek out new forms of renewable energy such as two year olds—mine could keep a whole town running.
- My answer to ‘World Hunger’ is: everybody eat something.
- I promise if elected to “clean up the tone” in Washington by only playing the bright, clear tones heard in the superior guitar sounds of Steely Dan.
- I promise if elected there will be no more big ‘bailouts’. I would rather create little ‘bailouts’. Because we all know, every now-and-then you forget to carry change, say, on the toll roads. I will pass a bill that will bailout all those little things you forget or need to waste your money on. The government should be your sugar daddy not big business’.
- I promise if elected my foreign policy will include roshambo (aka ‘rock, paper, scissors’).
- I promise if elected I will not nationalize health care. I will instead nationalize my stereo. Look, if it’s good enough for me it’s good for the rest of you.
- I will not ’spread the wealth.’ I prefer to spread the butter. In the wise words of The Sugarhill Gang, “I don’t mean to brag I don’t mean to boast, but I like hot butter on my breakfast toast.”
- I am running a clean, positive campaign, but the other guys are $%#&@ scum-bags.
America has a clear choice at the polls tomorrow. Vote for the winning ticket.
EDIT (post election): Aparently I lost, it could have been voter fraud, but more then likely is was my silence in regards to the right to bear arms issue. My official stance on this important matter:
Everyone should have the right to bear arms. Bears without arms are harmless, we won’t need to shoot them. Dismemberment might be tricky but it can be done.
10.14.08 Observations no comments
I’ve recently converted to the religion of Sharkianity. The prophet, Tiger Shark of Marvel Comics told of the coming virgin birth of a shark that would save the world from the depths of Oceans.
I know some will ask why do you believe this? My response will be, “The Marvel Comic tells me so.” Some may then ask, how I know “The Marvel Comic” to be true. Well, the comics claim to be absolutely true and verbally inspired by Tiger Shark himself. Therefore, I know it is true.
To those who say the religion doesn’t have any empirical evidence all I have to do is point to the proof of the virgin birth of the Shark (news article). Now, I must set about my proselytizing work and convert as many as I can to Sharkianity. The Shark saves us from the depths of Oceans! Amen.
09.29.08 Culture, Observations 3 comments
Growing Pains’ Mike Seaver finds a new role as Neo (of the Matrix) in a remake of Ladder 49 called Fireproof. The Mike Seaver character (Caleb Holt in Fireproof) takes on an even more overtly spiritual role then is often attributed to Neo in the Matrix (”the one”)—Although, I have heard people refer to Neo as a metaphorical Jesus (a savior type character). In Fireproof Mike Seager tries to redeem his trouble making days on Growing Pains by becoming morally upright using The Love Dare, a quasi self-help book for marriages, to put out the “fires” in his marriage, all the while heroically fighting literal fires as a firefighter. In the end this movie seems to be a lame two hour commercial for The Love Dare book. In case you were wondering I will not be seeing the movie or buying the book.
