Sometimes I Think…

02.13.08 Observations 2 comments

If you press extra hard when ironing you’ll be done quicker.

The NFL’s Scripted Season

02.04.08 Culture, Observations 3 comments

My favorite part of Superbowl forty-three was the evil villain, maintaining character, leaving the stage before the end of the show. Seriously the NFL could not have scripted the season any better… it was like a Disney movie and the WWF rolled into one. Early on in the show the audience was given reason to despise the villain with their blatant, unremorseful cheating. This only built up as the wicked, arrogant antagonist progressed in their triumph over “good” and thus were hated more by the audience. Then when it looks like the villain would achieve world domination spewing their taunts of “we’re the best ever,” along comes a glimmer of hope, the “underdog”. The protagonist that everyone can get behind and root for. Slowly against all odds the little engine that could climbs the mountain. The final battle, choreographed with precision, provides close tension; at times giving a slight upper hand to either side. Then at the last possible second the “good guys” defeat the villain with slow-motion, bravery and strength (breaking free from tackles and magical catches).

Come on NFL give me some plot twists or witty dialog next time.

The Jocks Movie Review of There Will Be Blood

01.27.08 Culture, Observations 8 comments

The other night I saw the movie There Will Be Blood with a bunch of guys. The response to the movie was almost more enjoyable then the movie itself. You see the group that I frequent with is a mix of jocks & non-jocks (or should I say those who choose to grow up leave playing competitive sports, the mindset of a sports player, and identifying with professional players behind along with their youth). These who live in the past, identify with childish things, and limit cognitive thought to: “Blue forty-two, hut, hut, hut, hike” have little to no appreciation for art. As a result the typical childish evaluation of art commences after watching such a movie as There Will Be Blood. Tirades, in the like of: “That was the worst movie ever”, “I wish I had the last three hours of my life back”, and “Auuuuggggggh”; along with storming out of the theater (as if to communicate utter disgust) were typical of this group of self-identifying jocks. The brilliance of the movie, to me, is that these “authorities” on art were somehow compelled to stay in their seats until the conclusion of the film. I heard a few flimsy excuses for this, but most revolved around, “The music made it seem like something was going to happen” or “I kept expecting something bad to happen.”… ummmm, childish jockery at best.

By the way you’re all invited to watch the superbowl on my big ten foot projection screen in HD surround sound at my house… bring some snacks. I’m really hoping Bret Farve can pull this thing off.

Resolution to Prove Mythical Creatures Exist

01.07.08 Culture 8 comments

Everybody likes to make new years resolutions for themselves, which more often then not are unachievable. Things like: weight lose, quit smoking, eat healthy, be nice to others, etc. All of these are either extremely hard or self-focused. Myself, I wanted to make a resolution that is both attainable & would not just benefit me but the whole world. So I have resolved in twenty-o-eight to find definitive proof of popular “mythical creatures.” The easter bunny will be first on my list. When spring rolls around there is plenty of evidence of old-floppy-ears in all the grocery stores that I can collect. The only problem is the bunny’s affinity for eggs… last I check bunnies don’t have much to do with eggs… but maybe the whole egg thing is a resolution to tackle in 2009.

Proving the tooth fairy’s existence will also be easy. I could collect a ton of interviews with children who have received a visit from the quintessential queen of the canines. It’ll be hard to deny once the sheer numbers of those claiming an experience with her majesty are in. I wonder where does she get all that money?… Hopefully not illegal drug sales. I know fairies like to play with “dust”… Well that’s probably another one for 2009.

Stay tuned as I will be posting updates on my progress in proving the existence of mythical creatures.
Are there any other “mythical creatures” you would like to see me prove this year?

Little Drummer Boy Abuses Baby Jesus

12.18.07 War on Christmas 11 comments

If I was Joseph there is no way that ignorant drummer boy and his “pa-rum-pum-pum-pum”, would have been around Jesus for a second with that drum… “Really… look, little boy can’t you see there are wise men, kings, here with real gifts? Skedaddle, move along! Your drumming is only going to cause hearing loss for the infant.” The animals would have been put to better use sicking the boy and his harmful instrument then keeping time, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum. O.K. maybe Joseph didn’t have all the available medical knowledge that we have today about a baby’s sensitive hearing, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum. But, Joseph had to at least have been wise enough to recognize a ridiculous chorus when he heard one, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum… that’s no soothing lullaby for a newborn. And “Mary, nodded”… I find this really hard to believe, being the mother of God she would be very protective of her precious one. I think, the little drummer boy made the whole story up and it never even happened. He’s either a charlatan or a baby abuser… so stop singing his song! Little Drummer Boy you are on notice, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum.

The War On Christmas Curbed By The UN

12.04.07 Culture, War on Christmas 3 comments

The War on Christmas has experienced a slight set back as the meddling, do-good-er, mam-be-pamby folks at the United Nations for Promoting Peace Not~War During Christmas Time have drafted a resolution stating:

There is no credibly evidence that this Christmas Consumerism of Mass Destruction (CCMD) is an aggressive threat. The War on Christmas must be stopped. Further unauthorized action will result in sanctions.

I don’t see this as a major obstacle to the war effort. In the wise, winsome words of a leader we all love and adore, “You are either with us or against us in the war on…” Christmas! Furthermore the UNPPNWDC is a bloated, corrupt bureaucracy (sorry, that’s a little very redundant) that has long outlived is usefulness to the world and may also find itself in the cross hairs. We have tried and tried to pursue diplomacy to no avail. War was never our first choice… nobody wants to go to war… war is our last choice. I have to make the tough decision. Sometimes you have to fight for what you believe in, freedom!

Many of you will die, but it is a sacrifice I am willing to make. - Lord Farquar in the movie Shrek

Part Five of The War on Christmas

Consumption Is The Reason For The Season

12.03.07 Culture, War on Christmas 8 comments

According to my friend Josh Harris, pastor, best selling author and ex Micheal Jackson impressionist(he does a great moon walk!), he will be promoting “the spirit of Christmas consumerism” by posting “gift ideas” on his popular blog. I am compelled, in this War on Christmas, to oppose his insistence that this spirit prevail. How would the Whos of Whoville come to know the meaning behind Christmas if it wasn’t for the Grinch’s “wonderful, awful” removal of consumerism? The Grinch had it right.

As we amass the troops for The War on Christmas and invade the territory of Christmas, we will swiftly remove consumerism from power. According to a reliable source (Forbes) here are some clear facts, proving that Christmas consumerism is an aggressive threat to us all:

• An Average of $795.86 will be spent on each person (up 5% from last year)
• $24.8 billion in gifts cards will be purchased (in the past 27% was not redeemed)
• Total spending this year will be a record $154 billion (up 8.1% from last year)
• 24% of gift receivers say they still won’t get what they want (I hope I DON’T get Josh’s gift suggestion)

How’s the title of this post for a great war-time bumper sticker?

Part Four of The War on Christmas