04.23.09 
Culture, Facts, Observations, Politics, Punk Blog Rebellion 3 comments
Scientists, according to The Sun, have finally realized the global menace that fatties are: “the increase in big-eaters means more food production—a major cause of CO2 gas emissions warming the planet.” Ah, ha! The obese are responsible for global warming. I knew it.
With further expertise on the subject Dr Phil Edwards, of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, said: “Moving about in a heavy body is like driving in a gas guzzler.” On top of that, these chunky-monkeys actually drive gas guzzlers in order to, as Tye Pennington would say if he hosted The Biggest Looser, “MOVE THAT ASS.”
What, you think they’ll fit into a Honda Fit?
How awful, reprehensive, and evil—these meaty mates should be punished for their crimes against humanity and mother earth!
In my recent post, Tax the Flatulent Humans Not the Cheddar Cutting Cows, I encouraged politicians to do a “one-cheek-sneak and impose a tax on” people given to “frequent spreading of their colon-cologne.” These people are, inevitably, excessive consumers of food. These tubby trains should pay for their porky persistence.
To rid the world of this chunky cargo, the big and beautiful must pay, they must pay their full-figured mass in a hefty tax. A tax that forces the pack of franks from their neck into the government’s corpulent coffers.
01.06.09 Observations, Politics 4 comments
The EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) has let one brilliant backdoor-trumpet of an idea out. In what can only be described as the rectum-roars of cushion-creepers they have tickled-tush with their proposal to tax the gastronomical-repercussions of bovines (read about it here). Look out, these barking-spider politicians will stop at nothing to blow their trouser-trumpet in order to acquire more money for the government—poofume for pigs, anyone?
I would like to suggest that the EPA use a one-cheek-sneak and impose a tax on some of my friends given to the frequent spreading of their colon-cologne—you know who you are—look out the EPA will be on your ass… err, I mean donkey… err, cow.
01.02.09 Observations, Politics 2 comments
Previously I wrote about John Edwards and his Lego Hair Health Care, but he is not the only one with the Lego hairdo in politics. Rod Blagojevich may actually have Edwards beat: simply because his locks are much more captivating. Every video clip I’ve seen Blagojevich in, his hair is just so enrapturing to me; I can’t help but give it all my attention, ending in me conversing with myself, “What did he say? I don’t know, but his hair…wow!” I have often thought of offering my time and expertise to help Blagojevich maintain such a stellar mane.
I do have one slight beef with Mr. Blagojevich, and I don’t want to split hairs here, but why the constipation faces? Keep it together man.
On a bright note at least politicians can write laws about hair. Take for instance the shining example of California where 29-year old Sabrina Reece was fined for braiding another women’s hair, in what can only be described as a “hair sting.”
I’m currently contemplating my first coffee-table book documenting the fascinating world of politician’s hair styling, which will include suggested policies and laws that would encourage one to let one’s hair down.
11.04.08 Politics 4 comments
Against every fiber in my being I have resisted putting my name in-the-hat for President of the United States of America, but the people have demanded…and demanded…and demanded. Who am I to resist the will of the people? So to make this thing official I have, in a last minute campaign push, decided to put together the top ten reasons I should be president. It should be quite obvious how I differ on the issues from all the other major and even minor candidates.
- My answer to ‘Global Warming’ is: reduce your carbon output—stop talking!
- My answer to the ‘financial crisis’ and ‘global warming’: plant some money-trees…the trees that are just so good everyone says, “those are money.”
- My energy policies will seek out new forms of renewable energy such as two year olds—mine could keep a whole town running.
- My answer to ‘World Hunger’ is: everybody eat something.
- I promise if elected to “clean up the tone” in Washington by only playing the bright, clear tones heard in the superior guitar sounds of Steely Dan.
- I promise if elected there will be no more big ‘bailouts’. I would rather create little ‘bailouts’. Because we all know, every now-and-then you forget to carry change, say, on the toll roads. I will pass a bill that will bailout all those little things you forget or need to waste your money on. The government should be your sugar daddy not big business’.
- I promise if elected my foreign policy will include roshambo (aka ‘rock, paper, scissors’).
- I promise if elected I will not nationalize health care. I will instead nationalize my stereo. Look, if it’s good enough for me it’s good for the rest of you.
- I will not ’spread the wealth.’ I prefer to spread the butter. In the wise words of The Sugarhill Gang, “I don’t mean to brag I don’t mean to boast, but I like hot butter on my breakfast toast.”
- I am running a clean, positive campaign, but the other guys are $%#&@ scum-bags.
America has a clear choice at the polls tomorrow. Vote for the winning ticket.
EDIT (post election): Aparently I lost, it could have been voter fraud, but more then likely is was my silence in regards to the right to bear arms issue. My official stance on this important matter:
Everyone should have the right to bear arms. Bears without arms are harmless, we won’t need to shoot them. Dismemberment might be tricky but it can be done.
08.21.08 Observations, Politics no comments
Global cooling is really coming through for us this summer, at least for those of us on the USA’s east coast. Low 80’s and no humidity in August—it couldn’t be better! Yet again Al Gore is proven the sage. Previously I advocated reducing my global foot print by shortening words, which would therefore reduce the excretion of carbon dioxide when talking. Now, I am seriously reconsidering my view. This change of heart is do to the most excellent outcome (global cooling) from a world that has continually increased, and shows no sign of slowing, its carbon dioxide output. For those listening I am now advocating leaving your car on even when you don’t need to use it (24 hours a day if possible).
Do you have any suggestions of other things we can do to increase our carbon footprint?
10.04.07 Politics 3 comments
Both major political parties in America are phony. Recently their phoniness has been on full display. First the Republicans and their phony outrage over moveon.org’s ad depicting a General as betraying the United States when he gave a semi-positive report on troop surge in Iraq. Now comes the Democrat phony outrage over something Rush Limbaugh said about people posing as soldiers telling lies, he called them “Phony Soldiers”.
Yes our major political parties love to be outraged by meaningless things the other side does. Why? Because it gets their own side rilled up, behind them, ready to “stand up”, and most important pledge lots of money to their phony campaigns.
In my previous post, I suggested something these politicians could get done. That is after all what real politicians are supposed to do, get things done. Not waste time and money writing letters of condemnation. They’re all phony! Let’s do away with this two party system and get some real movers and shakers in office. I’m all in favor of the “None of the Above” box on the ballet.
10.02.07 Observations, Politics 8 comments
I am a proponent of efficiency and like Al Gore, think we should, as humans, reduce our “carbon footprint”. So I propose that we shorten words in an effort to speak less and reduce the amount of carbon-dioxide that we emit every day.
First word that we should shorten is “disgruntled”, does this word really need the negative prefix “dis”? Have you every heard someone being “gruntled”? No. Well there is my point why do we need to put a prefix on a word never used positively?
Next word would be “inept”, I don’t think I have met any ept people but I sure have met a few inept people. Let’s just shorten this word and remove the prefix “in.”
There are many other words like these: overwhelmed, disdain , unflappable, etc.
Please be sure to leave any words you can think of in the comments of this post. If you could, post them soon, because I plan on taking this in a bill to congress. Maybe congress could get *something* done this decade.
