08.19.09 
Facts, Observations 5 comments
Often after sitting on the porcelain throne one is habitually given to the washing of hands. During one such ritual the other day a thought occurred to me: is my practice between the throne and the sink a completely hygienic one? Now, to answer this question one must analyze the steps taken from sitting to standing, from standing to walking to the sink. So what is it that occurs after the sitting position? Well, typically one of two things, the flush or reclothing. Now the flush is to be expected and most people will probably use “the other hand” if you know what I mean.
What, you’ve never thought about that? Please people, use “the other hand” or wait until your hand is clean before flushing!
Anyway, so the other thing that occurs: reclothing. Now, it’s not a huge deal if you must use two hands to reclothe because, after all, you’re cloths will be washed within a certain time period. So it is of little consequence that fecal matter may dwell on this article of clothing for a while. Speaking of fecal matter, did you read my post about Luther’s feces and Calvin’s crap? No, okay good. Back to the reclothing. What is the one article of clothing that does not receive a regular washing? The belt.
I have now changed my practice to proceed as follows: sitting, standing, duck-walking, hand washing, and reclothing. You should consider this as well.
04.23.09 Culture, Facts, Observations, Politics, Punk Blog Rebellion 3 comments
Scientists, according to The Sun, have finally realized the global menace that fatties are: “the increase in big-eaters means more food production—a major cause of CO2 gas emissions warming the planet.” Ah, ha! The obese are responsible for global warming. I knew it.
With further expertise on the subject Dr Phil Edwards, of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, said: “Moving about in a heavy body is like driving in a gas guzzler.” On top of that, these chunky-monkeys actually drive gas guzzlers in order to, as Tye Pennington would say if he hosted The Biggest Looser, “MOVE THAT ASS.”
What, you think they’ll fit into a Honda Fit?
How awful, reprehensive, and evil—these meaty mates should be punished for their crimes against humanity and mother earth!
In my recent post, Tax the Flatulent Humans Not the Cheddar Cutting Cows, I encouraged politicians to do a “one-cheek-sneak and impose a tax on” people given to “frequent spreading of their colon-cologne.” These people are, inevitably, excessive consumers of food. These tubby trains should pay for their porky persistence.
To rid the world of this chunky cargo, the big and beautiful must pay, they must pay their full-figured mass in a hefty tax. A tax that forces the pack of franks from their neck into the government’s corpulent coffers.
07.18.07 Facts no comments
Deltiology is the study and collection of postcards. Yes, postcards. Remarkably, this hobby ranks as the third most popular in the world today.
Can you imagine these people? Stop into a local Sheetz or Highs Dairy tomorrow and you might see a deltiologist perusing the postcard rack, just looking for that perfect addition to his collection. My guess is that he’ll probably be wearing a multi-colored canvass fanny pack situated over his right-hip. He’s also likely wearing denim shorts, 6-inches above the knee, with white crew socks to complement. His t-shirt is probably off-white portraying “The Great Outdoors” with a deer on it to boot. The crazy part about all of this is that, may I remind you, this is the third most popular hobby in the world.
I must depart. I heard there’s a $0.99 postcard sale at Wal-Mart.
06.28.07 Facts no comments
These facts will range from the mundane to the boorishly insignificant, aiding our readers and writers in their plight to waste even more time and read even more feckless information.
Philately is simply the study of stamps. Here I pose a question: Why? and another: Who are these people? My source for this fact (Wikipedia) makes sure to state that this is a “distinct activity” from stamp collecting. The sheer impracticability of this hobby is not what’s most striking. Taken with [let's get technical] the “collection” of stamps, philately is the most popular hobby in the world today.
Question from Bill: “if I go to the dump, will I see ‘philatelists’ rummaging the garbage looking for stamps?” I don’t know. But I wouldn’t be surprised.
Next Week: “The third most popular hobby in the world”
