Top Ten Reasons I Should Be President (Mock the Vote)

Junk: 11.04.08 Politics

Against every fiber in my being I have resisted putting my name in-the-hat for President of the United States of America, but the people have demanded…and demanded…and demanded. Who am I to resist the will of the people? So to make this thing official I have, in a last minute campaign push, decided to put together the top ten reasons I should be president. It should be quite obvious how I differ on the issues from all the other major and even minor candidates.

1. My answer to ‘Global Warming’ is: reduce your carbon output—stop talking!
2. My answer to the ‘financial crisis’ and ‘global warming’: plant some money-trees…the trees that are just so good everyone says, “those are money.”
3. My energy policies will seek out new forms of renewable energy such as two year olds—mine could keep a whole town running.
4. My answer to ‘World Hunger’ is: everybody eat something.
5. I promise if elected to “clean up the tone” in Washington by only playing the bright, clear tones heard in the superior guitar sounds of Steely Dan.
6. I promise if elected there will be no more big ‘bailouts’. I would rather create little ‘bailouts’. Because we all know, every now-and-then you forget to carry change, say, on the toll roads. I will pass a bill that will bailout all those little things you forget or need to waste your money on. The government should be your sugar daddy not big business’.
7. I promise if elected my foreign policy will include roshambo (aka ‘rock, paper, scissors’).
8. I promise if elected I will not nationalize health care. I will instead nationalize my stereo. Look, if it’s good enough for me it’s good for the rest of you.
9. I will not ’spread the wealth.’ I prefer to spread the butter. In the wise words of The Sugarhill Gang, “I don’t mean to brag I don’t mean to boast, but I like hot butter on my breakfast toast.”
10. I am running a clean, positive campaign, but the other guys are $%#&@ scum-bags.

America has a clear choice at the polls tomorrow. Vote for the winning ticket.

EDIT (post election): Aparently I lost, it could have been voter fraud, but more then likely is was my silence in regards to the right to bear arms issue. My official stance on this important matter:

Everyone should have the right to bear arms. Bears without arms are harmless, we won’t need to shoot them. Dismemberment might be tricky but it can be done.