Top Ten Reasons ‘Top Ten Decade Lists’ Are Meaningless

12.30.09 Culture, Observations no comments

1 ) Top Ten Decade Lists are like assholes. And you know what they say about assholes: everyone has one.

2 ) Somehow nothing I like appears on these list, so I made my own

3 ) Pop culture is just so cool; it requires such drivel

4 ) I really, really care who the worst/best/greatest couples of the decade were—really I do

5 ) The guy who feels like after 10 you might be interested in his rankings beyond that. This one goes to 26: New Yorker — “Best Films of the Decade”

6 ) Is there any other reason to make the “Top Ten New Health Scares of the Decade” other than to illicit new fear? I’d like to see ABC do a “Top Ten Reasons We Don’t Do Journalism”

7 ) I just participated in this profundity

8 ) Any list of top ten “music artists” includes nobody I’ve ever desired listening to

9 ) The number 10 is just annoying. It’s too regular, boring, uncreative, predictable, and forced.

10 )

Swine Flu is Better Than Sliced Bread

11.20.09 Culture, Observations no comments

Just as every dog must have its day, every pig must have its virus. Hogs, since the dawn of civilization (at least societies that could write), have acquired a bad rap: first the ancient hebrews declared them unclean, then the hebrews wouldn’t throw pearls at them (i.e., “don’t throw pearls to swine”), then western society breeds them for bacon, then (ironically) anyone who eats excessively in western society bears the species’ name in a derogatory fashion (i.e., “you’re a pig”), then they get a virus named after them (i.e., the swine flu). Pigs have quite the history in the human psyche. When will pigs catch a break? Oh, when the fat lady sings? Or hell freezes over?

What did the porkers do to deserve such a reputation? I mean, have you ever seen an angry pig, a sad pig, or a pig doing anything to cause you harm? I think not. Now, all of a sudden they have this virus pinned on them. This horrible virus that will destroy life as we know it!

Of course we, western humans, love to be entertained. It wasn’t as if the machine that sliced bread did anything in particular to warrant our enamorment with the product. Swine flu is the best entertainment since sliced bread. Are you not amused?

A Lesson in Belt Hygiene

08.19.09 Facts, Observations 5 comments

Often after sitting on the porcelain throne one is habitually given to the washing of hands. During one such ritual the other day a thought occurred to me: is my practice between the throne and the sink a completely hygienic one? Now, to answer this question one must analyze the steps taken from sitting to standing, from standing to walking to the sink. So what is it that occurs after the sitting position? Well, typically one of two things, the flush or reclothing. Now the flush is to be expected and most people will probably use “the other hand” if you know what I mean.

What, you’ve never thought about that? Please people, use “the other hand” or wait until your hand is clean before flushing!

Anyway, so the other thing that occurs: reclothing. Now, it’s not a huge deal if you must use two hands to reclothe because, after all, you’re cloths will be washed within a certain time period. So it is of little consequence that fecal matter may dwell on this article of clothing for a while. Speaking of fecal matter, did you read my post about Luther’s feces and Calvin’s crap? No, okay good. Back to the reclothing. What is the one article of clothing that does not receive a regular washing? The belt.

I have now changed my practice to proceed as follows: sitting, standing, duck-walking, hand washing, and reclothing. You should consider this as well.

Calvin Worship And I Don’t Mean The Associate of Hobbes (I ♥ Calvin)

07.10.09 Culture, Observations 4 comments

This post is for all my religious readers. And I don’t mean those who read this blog religiously—if you do, you have problems! Go away.

No, this post is for the religious, those who are in the practice of worshiping (by some definitions this would include all humans), anyway, this post is about Calvin Worship. For some odd reason the Patriarch of the Protestants, the Rock-star of the “Reformed” appears to be worshiped these days with his five-hundredth birthday approaching, while little old Luther and his 95 feces… er, I mean THESES are neglected.

See the lavish praise bestowed on his highness:

• There is beer IN HIS NAME
• There are birthday countdown clocks for your facebooks and blogs
• There are over 14 conferences IN HIS NAME this year
• There’s a school dedicated to HIS NAME

You’d think the man authored Bible 2.0… oh, wait some people actually might believe he did. I wonder what Calvin would think of his worshipers… er, followers today?

10 Reasons Why Coldplay’s LeftRightLeftWhatever Is the Best Rock Album Ever

05.16.09 Culture, Observations 7 comments

1.) The Free Download. After trying to download the album five different times, without success, I realized something: who in their right mind wants the album right when it’s available, anyway? Coldplay must be in tune with the ‘right-now’ culture that expects things on demand. And being the rock-and-roll stars they are, they threw up their collective middle finger at their fans, essentially saying, “You’ll just have to wait!”

2.) Singing Style. Everybody knows whining is a mainstay in rock-and-roll music and Chris Martin brings the whine like no one else. He has perfected this art, to such a degree that his singing style is no longer predominately characterized as falsetto, but whinesetto.

3.) Coldplay Gets Rock-and Roll. As rock music has evolved over the decades from the rebellious, anti-authority, in-your-face anthems that began with yelling “Roll Over Beethoven” and “tell Tchaikovsky the news” to the current decade’s emoting of one’s inner feelings, Chris Martin captures the pinnacle of rock music today, summed up beautifully in this lyric: “That was when I ruled the world, ooooh.”

4.) The Live Album. A popular “live album” is the apex of achievement for a rock-and-roll band. Is there any better way to say this live album is worthy of the anthills of rock history than ‘free of charge’?

5.) Piano Rocks! The piano has always been known as the greatest rock-and-roll instrument. And Chris Martin rocks the piano like no other of this age.

6.) The Heart. At the end of the first song Chris Martin asks, “Is everyone okay?” And at the beginning of the 5th song,  “Everybody feeling fresh and ready to go?” While such niceties are atypical for a rock band this refreshing concern for the audience proves the true heart of the band is with the people. I only wished he had waited to hear my response… oh, well: “Thanks for asking, Chris, I’m doing great, how are you?”

7.) Killer Songs. The second track, ‘42′, is not only a one-up, but two-up from U2’s song, previously considered one of the greatest live rock songs, ‘40′.

8.) The Intangibles. Inarticulate mumblings, ooohs, o-wow-o-os, and la la las are prevalent throughout the songs on LeftRightLeftWhatever.

9.) Brilliantly Out-of-Place. The song Death Will Never Conquer, complete with harmonica solo, is so adorably out of place that you have to love it. ‘Nuff said.

10.) Fix You & Cleverness. Excellent crowd participation and singing on track #8, Fix You. Chris sings a line about “A Coldplay Show” while at, or listening to, an actual Coldplay show—lyrically, so clever.

Tax The Fatties Right Off The Planet

04.23.09 Culture, Facts, Observations, Politics, Punk Blog Rebellion 3 comments

Scientists, according to The Sun, have finally realized the global menace that fatties are: “the increase in big-eaters means more food production—a major cause of CO2 gas emissions warming the planet.” Ah, ha! The obese are responsible for global warming. I knew it.

With further expertise on the subject Dr Phil Edwards, of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, said: “Moving about in a heavy body is like driving in a gas guzzler.” On top of that, these chunky-monkeys actually drive gas guzzlers in order to, as Tye Pennington would say if he hosted The Biggest Looser, “MOVE THAT ASS.”

What, you think they’ll fit into a Honda Fit?

How awful, reprehensive, and evil—these meaty mates should be punished for their crimes against humanity and mother earth!

In my recent post, Tax the Flatulent Humans Not the Cheddar Cutting Cows, I encouraged politicians to do a “one-cheek-sneak and impose a tax on” people given to “frequent spreading of their colon-cologne.” These people are, inevitably, excessive consumers of food. These tubby trains should pay for their porky persistence.

To rid the world of this chunky cargo, the big and beautiful must pay, they must pay their full-figured mass in a hefty tax. A tax that forces the pack of franks from their neck into the government’s corpulent coffers.

American Idle: American’s Passing Time In An Idol

03.11.09 Culture, Observations 2 comments

What does American culture seem to excel at these days? No, wait, I’ll answer that: Passivity that leads to mediocracy. And American Idol is the idle chatter of music.

Could there be a more frivolous way for people, both contestants and audience, to pursue something without purpose or effect than American Idle? Well, maybe there is, but the pointlessness of American Idle is among the greatest in American culture.

America’s obsession with fame now seeks ‘celebrity’ as an idle pursuit. Most artists work extremely hard, to hone their craft; they practice day-in and day-out to become something truly great; to leave something behind of worth that will be listened to for ages-to-come. Not so with American Idle.

Have any winning contestants of American Idle ever produced anything of worth? Anything outstanding? Anything exceptional? No. Short lived, mediocre music has been the result.

Are viewers provoked to work hard, practice, and hone any talents they may have? No. The idea that they can easily, without much effort, achieve fame and celebrity status via a “reality show” discourages achievement though hard work.

American Idol is dead to me: even my rejection of American Idle has resulted in nothing more than this worthless thought. Although, I do still offer to host American Idol in the place of Ryan Seacrest.