10 Reasons Why Coldplay’s LeftRightLeftWhatever Is the Best Rock Album Ever

05.16.09 Culture, Observations 5 comments

1.) The Free Download. After trying to download the album five different times, without success, I realized something: who in their right mind wants the album right when it’s available, anyway? Coldplay must be in tune with the ‘right-now’ culture that expects things on demand. And being the rock-and-roll stars they are, they threw up their collective middle finger at their fans, essentially saying, “You’ll just have to wait!”

2.) Singing Style. Everybody knows whining is a mainstay in rock-and-roll music and Chris Martin brings the whine like no one else. He has perfected this art, to such a degree that his singing style is no longer predominately characterized as falsetto, but whinesetto.

3.) Coldplay Gets Rock-and Roll. As rock music has evolved over the decades from the rebellious, anti-authority, in-your-face anthems that began with yelling “Roll Over Beethoven” and “tell Tchaikovsky the news” to the current decade’s emoting of one’s inner feelings, Chris Martin captures the pinnacle of rock music today, summed up beautifully in this lyric: “That was when I ruled the world, ooooh.”

4.) The Live Album. A popular “live album” is the apex of achievement for a rock-and-roll band. Is there any better way to say this live album is worthy of the anthills of rock history than ‘free of charge’?

5.) Piano Rocks! The piano has always been known as the greatest rock-and-roll instrument. And Chris Martin rocks the piano like no other of this age.

6.) The Heart. At the end of the first song Chris Martin asks, “Is everyone okay?” And at the beginning of the 5th song,  “Everybody feeling fresh and ready to go?” While such niceties are atypical for a rock band this refreshing concern for the audience proves the true heart of the band is with the people. I only wished he had waited to hear my response… oh, well: “Thanks for asking, Chris, I’m doing great, how are you?”

7.) Killer Songs. The second track, ‘42′, is not only a one-up, but two-up from U2’s song, previously considered one of the greatest live rock songs, ‘40′.

8.) The Intangibles. Inarticulate mumblings, ooohs, o-wow-o-os, and la la las are prevalent throughout the songs on LeftRightLeftWhatever.

9.) Brilliantly Out-of-Place. The song Death Will Never Conquer, complete with harmonica solo, is so adorably out of place that you have to love it. ‘Nuff said.

10.) Fix You & Cleverness. Excellent crowd participation and singing on track #8, Fix You. Chris sings a line about “A Coldplay Show” while at, or listening to, an actual Coldplay show—lyrically, so clever.

Tax The Fatties Right Off The Planet

04.23.09 Culture, Facts, Observations, Politics, Punk Blog Rebellion 2 comments

Scientists, according to The Sun, have finally realized the global menace that fatties are: “the increase in big-eaters means more food production—a major cause of CO2 gas emissions warming the planet.” Ah, ha! The obese are responsible for global warming. I knew it.

With further expertise on the subject Dr Phil Edwards, of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, said: “Moving about in a heavy body is like driving in a gas guzzler.” On top of that, these chunky-monkeys actually drive gas guzzlers in order to, as Tye Pennington would say if he hosted The Biggest Looser, “MOVE THAT ASS.”

What, you think they’ll fit into a Honda Fit?

How awful, reprehensive, and evil—these meaty mates should be punished for their crimes against humanity and mother earth!

In my recent post, Tax the Flatulent Humans Not the Cheddar Cutting Cows, I encouraged politicians to do a “one-cheek-sneak and impose a tax on” people given to “frequent spreading of their colon-cologne.” These people are, inevitably, excessive consumers of food. These tubby trains should pay for their porky persistence.

To rid the world of this chunky cargo, the big and beautiful must pay, they must pay their full-figured mass in a hefty tax. A tax that forces the pack of franks from their neck into the government’s corpulent coffers.

American Idle: American’s Passing Time In An Idol

03.11.09 Culture, Observations 2 comments

What does American culture seem to excel at these days? No, wait, I’ll answer that: Passivity that leads to mediocracy. And American Idol is the idle chatter of music.

Could there be a more frivolous way for people, both contestants and audience, to pursue something without purpose or effect than American Idle? Well, maybe there is, but the pointlessness of American Idle is among the greatest in American culture.

America’s obsession with fame now seeks ‘celebrity’ as an idle pursuit. Most artists work extremely hard, to hone their craft; they practice day-in and day-out to become something truly great; to leave something behind of worth that will be listened to for ages-to-come. Not so with American Idle.

Have any winning contestants of American Idle ever produced anything of worth? Anything outstanding? Anything exceptional? No. Short lived, mediocre music has been the result.

Are viewers provoked to work hard, practice, and hone any talents they may have? No. The idea that they can easily, without much effort, achieve fame and celebrity status via a “reality show” discourages achievement though hard work.

American Idol is dead to me: even my rejection of American Idle has resulted in nothing more than this worthless thought. Although, I do still offer to host American Idol in the place of Ryan Seacrest.

The Question of Virginia

02.28.09 Culture, Observations 5 comments

While driving in Arlington, Virginia the other night I came across a peculiar sign that read: “Speed Hump”. Since I was unfamiliar with this sign I began contemplating the uniqueness of the great Commonwealth of Virginia, the “Mother of Presidents” (it’s the birthplace of eight presidents), and its state constitution having been written by the smartest founder of the United States, Thomas Jefferson. So why would it have such a sign? Then I remembered the state slogan, “Virginia is for lovers”—now, hold the phone… can that really be true with a sign that reads: “Speed Hump”?

Let this be a reminder to you all: Obey all traffic signs.

Top Ten Reasons I Should Host American Idol (AI)

01.13.09 Culture, Observations 6 comments

1. I was the first to tell everyone that AI is Dead in the American Idol Delusion
2. I’m much better looking then Ryan Seacrest
3. I don’t appeal to pre-teen girls and elderly house wives who swoon and vote for emo-guys
4. I would give preference to Simon and allow him to speak, maybe 95% of the entire show; over top of the singing, a running commentary like a sports commentator if you will
5. I don’t think any of the contestants are good singers even the ones that have won in past years
6. I would improve the show by introducing a large gong, which will be struck quite frequently when the sounds emitting from a contestant’s mouth can no longer be tolerated—zero tolerance policy
7. I would improve the show by reintroducing a large cane removing contestants from the stage
8. I cut my hair about once a month and never change my hair style so you won’t hear anyone talking about it
9. I will likely tell Paula to “suck it up,” “shut it,” or “we don’t care what you think” on a repeated basis
10. I don’t wear tight jeans

I expect the job offer soon. Did I miss anything for my resume?

Tax the Flatulent Humans not the Cheddar Cutting Cows!

01.06.09 Observations, Politics 4 comments

The EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) has let one brilliant backdoor-trumpet of an idea out. In what can only be described as the rectum-roars of cushion-creepers they have tickled-tush with their proposal to tax the gastronomical-repercussions of bovines (read about it here). Look out, these barking-spider politicians will stop at nothing to blow their trouser-trumpet in order to acquire more money for the government—poofume for pigs, anyone?

I would like to suggest that the EPA use a one-cheek-sneak and impose a tax on some of my friends given to the frequent spreading of their colon-cologne—you know who you are—look out the EPA will be on your ass… err, I mean donkey… err, cow.

Blagojevich, Hair Wonder or Bad Day(s)?

01.02.09 Observations, Politics 2 comments

Previously I wrote about John Edwards and his Lego Hair Health Care, but he is not the only one with the Lego hairdo in politics. Rod Blagojevich may actually have Edwards beat: simply because his locks are much more captivating. Every video clip I’ve seen Blagojevich in, his hair is just so enrapturing to me; I can’t help but give it all my attention, ending in me conversing with myself, “What did he say? I don’t know, but his hair…wow!” I have often thought of offering my time and expertise to help Blagojevich maintain such a stellar mane.

I do have one slight beef with Mr. Blagojevich, and I don’t want to split hairs here, but why the constipation faces? Keep it together man.

On a bright note at least politicians can write laws about hair. Take for instance the shining example of California where 29-year old Sabrina Reece was fined for braiding another women’s hair, in what can only be described as a “hair sting.”

I’m currently contemplating my first coffee-table book documenting the fascinating world of politician’s hair styling, which will include suggested policies and laws that would encourage one to let one’s hair down.